Then, Now, Always
by WatercolorFlowers
Summary: I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you always, Olivia


**_A/N:_** _I own nothing. Characters are not mine. L&O: SVU isn't mine. Nothing is mine. Just trying to make my imagination happy. Please enjoy. :)_

* * *

_I loved him then._

_I loved him now._

_I'll love him always._

The first time I met him- no, that's not right. Let me try that again. The first time I _saw_ Elliot Stabler, something inside of me lit up. It was before I had ever introduced myself, it was the second I pulled up to that crime scene. He approached the car and looked strong, sturdy, and well- stable, but I didn't realize until later on the extent of each trait, and he looked- I don't know how to put it- there was no messing around with him. It was a good front to have, but it only worked on me for so long.

We had routine that seemed to start the moment I took my place at the desk across from his. One of us went out- we'd bring back coffee for the other, stake out- take turns buying coffee, basically coffee was our 'thing' you know?

Things change though.

Coffee changes at least- I like my tea now.

Tea is my thing.

Anyways, the tough and hard exterior that I told you about, I saw the 'real Stabler' a few seconds after we entered the squad room and I met Munch and Brian. I saw his smile then, and it was contagious. I mean you look at this man with a charming smile and baby blue eyes and then try not to smile.

It was a good smile.

It was good.

Oh, he was caring too. I know others, especially Cragen saw us as the two main emotions people feel about sex crimes. I'm "sadness, empathy, and connect with the victims," I believe is what he said, and I remember him giving me a smile then looking at Elliot and shook his head saying, "You're not." Despite the laughs it was true, he expressed what we dealt with in anger, in rage and in all physical ways. But when you're sad, sick, or hurt, and he takes you in his arms- there was no rage there, no anger. He had a safety about him, I could breathe and not be checking around me every minute of every day.

It is hard for me to pin point the moment I knew I loved him. I'm not really sure there was a moment, it was just there. It sounds stupid- but I never looked at him and saw fireworks and a flashing sign saying in all capital letters "I LOVE THIS MAN" no, it wasn't that. It was in weird moments, I didn't even really understand the whole feeling but if he was in danger, or hurt, or in trouble- I wanted to take his place, take on his pain, and take away his consequences and let me deal with them. So I can't tell you when I fell in love, but I can tell you, my love for him was infinite. It sounds cheesy I know, but I could've moved mountains, I could have been like atlas: had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but knowing that I had it on my shoulders, so he didn't have to- it made the world weightless and easy to carry.

Jesus, I sound like a Nicholas Sparks book.

Which- for the record, are fantastic.

There's little things around me that I see and I'm just like "Oh one time El and I did blah blah blah" but there are certain things where it is just us. You know that there are just songs that are yours, and it between you and another person, and you hear it and you are filled with them. They have consumed your soul, your senses, and all your thoughts and memories. We definitely had that song, we even used it as our first dance after we were married, it is "Up where we belong" by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes. We knew every word, everything, and I think one of my favorite memories with him we had just moved in together and it popped up on the iPod that was playing as we were unpacking- I was currently working on the dishes, and I remember his hands sliding around my waist, and we began to sway, and dance. Then he manage melt me even more, you know when you dance with a guy and they sing the song softly in your ear in that super sexy, and husky voice, well, he did that. It was like that moment, every struggle, and every future obstacle, everything is worth it.

It also led to some great sex.

But, mainly it was a moment of connecting.

Followed by fantastic sex.

The first time we kissed? It was ages after we met. No, he did not cheat on Kathy. And no, I did not cheat on Brain. Actually El and I talked after he left the precinct, but nothing like we used to. It was mid 2013 when I got a call from a bartender actually to come and "pick up my partner." Literally that is what he said, so I went thinking it was Nick, and there was Elliot, drunk off his ass, just sitting at the bar.

Defeated wouldn't be the proper word, El had just- he lost life. It was the first time seeing him in about a year, I mean we had texted, chatted on facebook, and called on birthdays, but no longer were we seeing each other for coffee. He looked the same though, except for some stubble, which probably was caused by the same issue relating to his drunken state. I went over to him, held out my hand, and we walked out to my car. I took him back to my apartment that night, Brian was out for the weekend, so there was no issue. I got him in my apartment, sat him on the couch, and got a glass of water for him. I think we sat there for, 20 or so minutes in silence, then he spoke.

I've heard him mad, upset, sad, but this was beyond that, this was empty, and he just said with a hollow voice, "Kathy has been sleeping with Erik." I had no idea who Erik was, but I didn't say anything. I just took away his water and got him a beer. That was all that was said for about another hour, the he spoke once more, "She asked for a divorce."

Yes, there was a smidgen of me that was happy, I mean- this man who I loved was single, but at the same time, this man I loved- his world was crumbling around him and I could do nothing to stop it.

I was powerless.

It was awful.

Being powerless is awful.

I called Brian the next morning, told him what happened, and let him know Elliot would be staying the weekend on the couch.

We began talking more, seeing more of each other, and it was like the old times were back. Then randomly he decided he wanted to go, just be gone. So he let me know he'd be out of touch for a month or two, and left. You know the show Grey's Anatomy? He pulled a Patrick Dempsey thing, I can't remember his character's name, and anyways he just got a trailer, and went up north and just stayed there. He bought a burner phone and told no one except he gave the number to his daughter Kathleen in case any serious family issues came up, and was other than that, out of reach for 2 months.

Ya, it happened when he was gone.

Lewis happened.

Fin had called Kathy thinking Elliot still lived there, but never said why he called when Kathy had told him that El had moved out. So- he didn't know about any of that. When he got back though, it had been roughly 2 or 3 weeks since it had happened. I'm not sure, I was out of it, pretty drugged up. When he came back, he had checked his phone and I guess Fin, Much, Nick, and the Captain had all called him constantly, message after message. When he told the story he would say that when he heard what had happened, he became basically superman and literally flew.

I don't believe him.

People can't fly.

Anyways, he got to Brian's apartment where I was staying and Brian had answered and told him I was sleeping and to come back another time. Well, if you had ever met Elliot that is saying, "dear ocean, please turn pink." I wasn't going to happen. No way in hell. Brain was peeved, but Eliot didn't care. He just sat on the couch for I think it was about 4 hours, silent, waiting for me to wake up. Poor El, I don't think that Brian had said I had taken a pill to sleep, a sedation type thing. I do remember though, I woke up and called out for Brian, and in a few seconds there was Elliot in the door frame, and I cried.

Uh- when I was with Lewis, he had said a few things and I didn't think of Brian, or Simon, or anyone really, but El just came to my mind. More specifically his smile and eyes. I wanted to badly to be with him one last time. When you think or know you're about to die, you have the urge to say all things unsaid. I've been pretty good about being upfront, and in your face, but- I never told Elliot that I loved him. I just wanted him to know.

I cried seeing Eliot, and he walked over and crouched down next to my bed and grabbed my hand, and cried. So, we cried together. I'm sure it pissed of Brian, but he accepted it. He knew El and I had this history- he just didn't know how deep and emotional it actually was.

During that time, he would come over often, bringing Chinese, and movies. Also- fun fact about us, we liked good movies. None of this "Twilight" shit or anything, no we liked our movies from the 70s – the 90s. We watched a lot of the movie "Ghost" pretty sure in the time I was on leave from work, we had watched "Ghost" roughly 8 or 9 times? I mean, can you blame us? It had action, suspense, mystery, romance, and Patrick Swayze. Yes, Patrick Swayze wasn't really what lured El into the movie, but it was an added bonus for me.

We watched a lot of TV too. Reruns of "The Office" was always a good choice, also "30 Rock" reruns and then "Parks and Rec" really anything light and funny. Brian would occasionally watch too, but not too often.

El and I remained close though. He was really supportive and excited for me when Brian and I got an apartment, and when did well on my Sargent test, he bought me a nice Merlot to celebrate… with Chinese.

Chinese food was a thing of ours too, I guess.

It was late 2014 when things changed.

Actually, I was September 22ndh, 2014 to be exact.

Life was good, and getting better, and better. Brian took me out to a gorgeous dinner and then we went on a walk through central park. It was a nice night, and we got back to our apartment around 1:30 in the morning and went to bed. We were laying there and he asked me to marry him.

I loved Brian. I did. But- I froze. I became cold, and scared, and nervous, and couldn't breathe. I didn't answer, didn't move, and just laid there. I heard him mutter a very strong expletive, and get out of bed and go to the living room.

Marriage- it was such a big deal, and a commitment, it scared me. I mean- I knew I was not getting any younger, and but when Brian asked me- I didn't want to be bound to him forever. But, how was I supposed to tell a man I had been living with for almost year that. I went out to him and asked him if he could give me some time to think. He just nodded and went to the guest bedroom and slept.

Here is my piece of advice to young adults. If you ask someone to marry you, or you are asked, and you or they need to think about it. That is your first sign. If you don't say yes before they are finished asking, if you are hesitating, don't do it. Maybe I'm wrong, but- I don't think I am.

I know I'm not.

Well, I was meeting with Elliot for coffee the next day, and when I got there we ordered and began talking about random shit, and he just stared at me and I remember exactly what he said, it was, "Liv, shut up. What's wrong? What aren't you telling me?" He just knew. He joked and called them his "Stabler Senses," I called them "I've-known-you-for-17-years senses." Moving on, I just sat there and played with my napkin and spit it out, "Brian asked me to marry him." There was a heavy and thick silence until I heard one word.

"Don't"

I was shocked, I looked at him with confusion written all over my face?

All he said again was, "don't."

I thought it was one of his stupid jokes and I rolled my eyes and laughed, he didn't. So I grabbed a napkin, and a pen from my purse, and I was told him as I slid the napkin and pen over to him, "give me 3 reasons not to, in writing. Prove your confidence." I was still joking around. I didn't think he could be serious.

He wrote down his reasons silently and slid it back to me.

It said: "1) He's 2)Not 3)Me"

I will be the first to admit, I'm not always the best at picking up what is right in front of me. Stupid me was confused by the note. I mean, Elliot Stabler was someone who I wanted, and desired, and loved, but could never have. I learned to live with that. I couldn't comprehend that he felt that same about me. While my head was spinning trying to decode a message that was as plain as day, he took the napkin back. He flipped it over, scribbled something down on it, then stood up and left.

I grabbed the brown and now slightly crumpled napkin, and I remembered looking down at it and once again, confused. It was a train station, followed by a time. I just kept thinking, "What the fuck? Am I going to go there and get hazed?" But I decided to. At 5:01 I was at the train station, and I had remembered that this is where Gitano had cut my neck and killed the boy. I looked around and just walked through the crowd trying to find Elliot. I turned around and I saw him a little ways from me and walked over to him. I asked him what was going on and he asked where we were. I replied saying, Gitano and all of that.

His eyes were piercing my soul. He was looking at me so intensely I was afraid if I moved, he would use some sort of super vision and make me evaporate.

It could happen.

He stepped closer to me, and then I started to feel my heart race. He was very close. He put his hands gently on my face and stared into my eyes like he was reading my soul. If there were still people around me, I had no idea.

The world stopped moving.

It was he and I.

Alone.

The center of the universe.

No.

We were the universe.

He spoke finally, with no joke, and no jest in his voice. "This is the spot where I knew I was in love with you. I almost lost you. I almost lost you and I didn't. When I saw him swing at you, and you fell. I thought my life was over. I couldn't breathe. I felt something like never before. I knew that I loved you, I had loved you, I did love you, and I would always love you. I was, am, and forever will be in love you, Olivia Benson. So, don't marry Brian. Don't. Because I love you. I want you. I need you."

I swear to God, my heart stopped when he told me that. I can't imagine what my expression was, but- he always said that I looked like I had just seeing an alien.

I felt so many emotions. I was mad, angry, happy, giddy, and shocked. Of course, the anger came up first. I remember I slapped him. Then I said something like "No Elliot Stabler, you don't just tell me this now." And I went on about how he could have told me before I moved in, and there were so many opportunities, and he is selfish and self-centered. Then it just escalated and I continued to lecture him, and be mad. I walked away and went to a bench against the wall, and he followed and sat by me. Well, tried, I glared at him, so he leaned against the wall. After 10 minutes of me seething, and swearing and cursing his name, I'm pretty sure he was fed up and sat down next to me despite my glares. All he said was, "Do you love me?"

Before he finished I had answered, "Yes."

We had our arguments. They got pretty heated too. But they were so stupid. Yes, there were some that weren't like every couple, but for the most part- we argued about who said what, which football team was better and who had a better coach, we also argued about places to go.

When we were together, I actually started using my personal days. I even took a leave of absence for a month and half. El and I went around various places in the world, traveling, and learning. We went to China for a while and learned all about the more holistic side of healing, and how to balance yourself. It was helpful for me, I was able to help the victims I worked with to getting on their path for the second step, and for them to become survivors.

We had argued one night, I really wanted to go Ecuador. I wanted to do some volunteer work there, and make a difference, and he- he wanted to take me somewhere for a romantic vacation. I literally argued with him about how I didn't need a vacation and my time was spent better helping people. It didn't work. He bought plane tickets the next day.

It was nice though.

I'm glad we did that.

I told Brian I couldn't marry him.

He told me he couldn't wait around.

I said ok.

He moved out.

I sold the apartment.

Elliot hadn't really talked to me since he had said that he loved me. He gave me space, which, he knew that I needed.

I got a text from him about a week and a half after we had met at the train station. I had just gotten the apartment on the market and Brian had moved out the last of his things. El and I met up that night over at his apartment. I had brought a 6 pack of beer, and Chinese. He let me in and I put the food on the coffee table then stood there, and just looked at him. He was wearing dark wash jeans, and just a basic black undershirt.

He looked good.

I spoke first telling him that Brian and I were done. He moved out and I was selling the apartment. Then he walked to me, and once again took my face in his hands, and his thumbs caressed my cheeks. It was romantic, and perfect, and then he spoke, "I am going to mess up. I will frustrate you, I will make you want to shoot me, I will drive you crazy. But Liv, I will love you. I will love you, and I will take care of you. So when you want to kill me, just know you are my light. You fill me with joy, and happiness, and life, and I love you." And then he gave me this little smile, leaned in, and kissed me. I pushed him back slightly and I'm sure I had this stupid smile and I said to him, "I love you too." And that was that. We spent the night talking, cuddling, kissing, cuddling, kissing, talking, kissing, cuddling, and then sleeping.

It was perfect.

We had a lot of perfect nights.

It was good.

Really good.

Then, after a few months, Elliot took me to this gorgeous restaurant called _one if by land, two if by sea_. After that we went and saw a Broadway show, which, when you live in New York, it's just always there, so you never go. Well we went and saw "The Lion King," It was so incredible, I loved the song, "He lives in you" and the costumes were phenomenal and I really wish that I had continued going to shows. Well, after the show, we walked around Times Square and then he just got down on one knee in the middle of a random sidewalk, and pulled out this gorgeous ring and he said, "Olivia, I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you forever, will you mar" he never finished, I grabbed him by the lapel of his coat, pulled him up, and kissed him. "Yes" I told him.

We got married about 6 months later. It was small. His kids, his mom, my brother Simon, and a few people from the precinct like Fin, Munch, Nick, and Amanda. Don Cragen gave me away. I wore simple white dress, Elliot was in black tux, and it was magical.

Magic however, can't last forever.

Elliot loved to leave me little random gifts and notes around our apartment. One day, I had gotten off of work late, we were dealing with a serial rapist, he was escalating, but I had gotten home and looked on the floor and saw a wine glass. Just a single wine glass. I picked it up and there was a little message in it, it was really stupid. Cute, but stupid. It read, "I hope your day wasn't too bad, I know cases can get tough, and maybe you're seeing your glass half empty right now, maybe even completely empty. Go to the fridge." So I did, and I saw a wine glass filled to the brim, with a card next to it. Opening the card, it said, "Don't worry, I will always be here to fill it back up. Wake me up, when you're home, I have something I need to tell you." Fear took over me slightly, I mean that never sounds good, or promising, so I took a few sips of the delicious red wine and went to our bed room and went over to his side of the bed and kissed him, and woke him up. He had looked at me confused, then smiled saying, "Hello my beautiful wife." I smiled then asked what it was he needed to tell me. His response made me want to suffocate him. It was, "The bed is warm and you should get in."

It was silly things like that which would make me laugh. It worked, he knew it would.

We had 4 phenomenal years together in our marriage. They were just full of laughter, and love.

On October 1st, about a week before our 4th wedding anniversary the unimaginable happened.

I was finishing up paperwork and about to go to lunch, then I saw Nick run into the squad room. We locked eyes and I knew something was wrong. He came over to me told me to grab my coat. I did and we were off. I was sitting next to him in a police cruiser. The siren was wailing and we were racing to hell, and I had no idea.

I begged him, and asked him, what had happened, and then he looked over at me and just said, "Elliot."

Did you know time can stop?

It stopped when I saw Elliot injured on many occasions during our time as partners, it stopped in the train station when he told me he loved me, it stopped when we said our vows, it stopped when I looked at him.

Yes, time can stop.

It stopped.

We arrived at the hospital, and Nick led me in. I don't remember much. I remember noise, but at the same time, none of it made sense. I was brought to where Elliot was, all I could see were nurses and doctors around him rushing.

Nick went up to the other officers and came back and let me know, he had been out for a run, ran into a couple fighting in an alley between two buildings, the man started getting physical with the woman, drew a gun, and Elliot had intervened. He was shot.

1,

2,

3 times.

Nick tried to get me to sit down and I pushed passed him. I pushed past everyone. I am pretty sure I yelled, and screamed, and I got to him. I got to Elliot. He was staring up at the ceiling with an oxygen mask over face. I looked at his bare chest and saw the three bandages, and my heart sunk. They were all on the upper left portion of his chest.

I remember grabbing his hand, it was so cold, and he looked over at me.

His eyes said it.

They said it all.

He knew that our journey was going to come to an end for now.

I knew it too.

We both knew, our fairytale was going to be put on hold.

I leaned into him, and my throat felt like it was closing up, but I tried to smile so as to not upset him. "Elliot Stabler, I love you. I loved you from the moment I set eyes on you. I loved you then, I love you now," and my voice cracked. I couldn't get it out. I tried to say it again, but the tears were starting to come. His hand must've grabbed the cord from the oxygen mask, because it was below his chin, and he looked at me with his baby blue eyes, and with a small smile, he finishes it for me the best he can,

"I'll love you always."

I nodded and kissed him.

He spoke the best he could again, and got out, "My kids."

I assured him I would help Kathy, and they will be ok.

He winced with pain, and squeezed my hand.

"Elliot, I'll love you always," I finally was able to say. I felt his hand go limp in mine, I saw that there was nothing left in his blue eyes, and I felt my soul ripped into shreds. I screamed, and I cried, and I yelled. Nick came in and made sure I didn't hurt anyone or myself by accident. When they came to take away his body, Nick was holding me up, and restraining me. I somehow was taken out of the hospital. Nick had taken me back to his place. I was in a catatonic state. I lost my light.

I figured out funeral arrangements with Kathy and the kids the following days and a week after his death, he was buried. I didn't cry, I was doing what I promised. I took care of his children. I held them as we sat through the service, and I did everything I could to help.

I took a month off of work.

I mostly laid in bed and watched movies. I would just lay there, wrapped up in one of his sweatshirts, and be watching "Ghost," all day.

I have gotten better.

I am working part time at the precinct, just recently attended some sporting events of Eli's, also went and visited Maureen for a weekend. I've started to paint, I can't do it very well, but it's something to keep me busy.

My therapist told me to "write it down," and "it will help."

I suppose it has a little.

People always say, "he's still apart of you." I know, I feel him here. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and listen, I can hear him singing to me, "Up where we belong," as we sway.

Elliot Stabler was the man who I loved.

He is the man I still love.

He is the man I will love to the end of eternity.

_I loved you then._

_I love you now._

_I'll love you always,_

_ Olivia _


End file.
